JOHN
Well tape over this Paul Simon tape.
JEFF
Its like fate saying, you taped Paul Simon, and now you're not going to listen to it.
Ho, ho, ho. Okay, its 2:43, oh!
JOHN
Okay, why dont you get some sleep
JEFF
Cause I’m okay now. Sis boom bah, if I go to sleep now.
JOHN
You’ll sis boom bah out.
JEFF
Yeah.
JOHN
(in high falsetto voice)
Why is this so big? Its not even square. It should be square, shouldn’t it?
Jweff - free . . . Jeffie . . .
JEFF
(in high falsetto voice)
Yeah mom.
JOHN
(in low guttural voice)
Jeffie
JEFF
(in high falsetto voice)
Yeah dad.
(John in background making devilish noises)
Oh no, its the Anti-John.
(laughter) Does that mean he’s a big toilet?
(more laughter, now in regular voice)
The antejohn, better known as the shower.
(John in background making Night of the Living Dead noises)
Oh no, now the Waterpik shower attack.
JOHN
(in background in low guttural voice)
I want you to suck your blood.
JEFF
(in high falsetto voice)
But I dont got the big bass beat. (John in background making murderous throat noises)
Eeyew, now you’re spitting on me.
JOHN
No, I’m slobbering on you, now shut up.
JEFF
(interspersed with JOHN saying “Shut up, shut up”)
No, no you must use dental floss.
(now in sing-song voice)
I’m Carlos Calcium, I really am neat.
I clean your bones and your teeth. And here’s where you can find me.
(John in background continuing to say, “Shut up, shut up.”)
JOHN
(in matching falsetto singsong voice)
You can sing, sing, sing. You can sing, sing, sing . . . .
JEFF
I’m Paul Protein and this is my song.
JOHN
It should be vertical, it should be vertical.
JEFF
I’m in your mouth, and your cheese, and your vegetables and your ice cream.
I really am neat, Carlos Calcium.
(in regular voice) that was Paul Protein?
Paul Protein, Paul Protein . . . (trailing off)
JOHN
Ovaltine
JEFF
This is a note to all you people out there, putting molasses in orange juice is real sick.
Whoever thought of this suggestion of molasses and juice as a natural pick me
up has something coming out of their heads.
JOHN
And we know who you are . . . Wendy.
JEFF
And Jennifer.JOHN
Wendy and Jennifer, whatta teem.
JEFF
Whatta teem, teem.
JOHN
Eevning Coloh.
JEFF
(in high falsetto voice)
Ah the coloh lillies. Ah just like the coloh lillies.
(in regular voice)
Stuart keeps saying that over and over, some Katherine Hepburn movie.
JOHN
(shaky and somewhat Katherine Hepburnish)
Aaooowh.
JEFF
(interrupting)
Young Katherine Hepburn.
JOHN
(more normally)
Aaooowh. Oh shut up already. Oh shut up Humphrey. Oh shut up Spencer.
Were they ever married? No.
JEFF
Oooh, now we have ominous music.
JOHN
Wait a minute, I’ve got to think this out. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to do this.
I have to tilt it 45 degrees. Then I can use this. But do I want that?
JEFF
(in high falsetto voice)
Its Calamity Jane.
JOHN
(in Ed Sullivan voice)
And her band of renown.
JEFF
Da, da, da, da,da,da,
(then scatting like Ella Fitzgerald)
dade-da-da-de, etc (laughing)
JOHN
What have I done. What have I done.
(then mimicking the Talking Heads)
Letting the days go by, and the water falling.
(then suddenly)
ARE YOU KIDDING JOHN?
(in background, grand musical chord from other tape player)
JEFF
(laughing)
Very dramatic, John, very dramatic. It’s going to explode.
JOHN
Oh, but what if I shrink it.
JEFF
(in high falsetto voice)
Shrinky-dink, shrinky-dink, shrinky, shrinky, shrinky, shrinky-dink.
Its for presents under your Christmas treeeeeeeeeee.
JOHN
(mimicking Jeff)
Treeeeeeeeeeeee.
JEFF and JOHN
(together, then back and forth)
Treeeeeeeeeeeee. Treeeeeeeeeeeee. Treeeeeeeeeeeee. Treeeeeeeeeeeee.
JOHN
Tweee-tee, tweee-tee, tweee-tee. Twitty, twitty, twitty.
JEFF
Its Twitty Bird! I taut I taw a putty tat.
JOHN
You stoopid twit. I taut you knew how to draw a perspective. What did you learn in scoo.
What did I send you to scoo for.
JEFF
(singing)
Johnny’s my boy and I sent him to school. To learn how to spell JOHN-nee boy.
JOHN-nie, JOHN-nie, Jaw-nee, Jaw-nee. Way up upon the Jaw-nee river. Jaw-nie, jaw-nie jaw-nie.